I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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