my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Even my vagina gasped.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
