last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
soo... how was my night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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