Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
