Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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