Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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