my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
