why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
