Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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