i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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