seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
