I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
