I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
