I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
