So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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