all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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