Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
