In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
