If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
then he tried to convert me to islam
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
