so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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