just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
