Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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