she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
