sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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