my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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