She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
