I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
