I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
