If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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