I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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