I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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