I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
