i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
