I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
