your parents love me but you hate me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
