Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my liver is dry heaving
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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