I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
