I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
