I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
