I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
