Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
