I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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