A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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