i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
