I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
