Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Two words: blizzard sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
