just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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