nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
