woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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