Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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