The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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